Little Insecure Girl in a Big Judgmental World

Fun fact, I sell Mary Kay. I love it. I love make up. Its rare that I leave my house without putting it on, and when I do, I am putting it on in the car. Ryan always make jokes about how I am dressing myself up for other people and looking for my next husband. But that's not it. The clothes I wear, the make up I apply, the look I try to present to the world isn't actually to impress the world, it's for myself. To prove to myself that I am good enough. That I am pretty enough. That I can just be enough. I care way too much about what others might think but that's because I am insecure about myself. It has nothing to do with trying to impress other guys. I will try to compare faults about myself to other random people and Ryan just laughs at me because he doesn't understand what I see when I look at myself. He loves me, he sees a beautiful strong woman and I love him for that. I wish I could be that girl he sees. One day I will but until then I use the tools I have been given (or bought.) I apply the coats of concealer to make me look even toned, the bronzer to make me look healthy, the eye shadows to make my eyes look brighter and bolder. I refer to it as "applying my face" but it would be more appropriately named "my mask" Its my way of hiding my imperfections and insecurities from this big giant judgmental world.
 

 

I have so many different idols who could take what people said about them or saw about them and shrug them off. They used what other people said as their fuel and made what society saw as wrong or imperfect and turned it into a key driver of their success. Marilyn Monroe, a gorgeous successful women, was not the size or look of today's "perfect girl". In today's standards she would be about a 6 and while things are starting to turn around a lot of people still argue that perfection is a size 2-4. Coming from a girl who happily floats around a size 8, I am definitely happy to hear one of the most beautiful women was close to my size.

I want to be like them. I want to not only not care what other people say but use it as my fuel. I know that everyone is beautiful no matter what size as long as they have a good head on their shoulders. I 100% believe that. If the most beautiful woman in the world has a hideous personality eventually she will take on the mental image you give her. Its amazing how the brain is able to do that but its true. Beauty really does matter on the inside. Even with that said I still want to see what my friends and family see. I want to see the beautiful strong woman on the outside just as much as the inside. Its an on going battle with the judgmental beast who fuels my insecurities. Its a difficult fight, its a tiring fight and it will be a long fight, but it's one I intend to win. And I will.
I know I'm not the only girl who feels this way about beauty. So to all the other girls who view themselves the same way (if you just happened to stumble across this blog) I just want to say, stay strong. People are cruel and they do it to feel better about themselves. Just remember the beauty on the outside is only as good as the beauty on the inside.
Stay happy, keep smiling. (no one like frowning lines :p)
-D